literature

Fire

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iChrno's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

A crackle.

Then a spark.


How bizarre, to feel.

A tall glass of water.
A tall glass of nitrogen.

A tall glass of anything
to extinguish flames so old.

                   I'm burning,
                         burning,
              someone put me out.

A tree strapped to my back,
the fire will come creeping;
the fire will attach.

                   Someone get it off,
                 It's the only thing I ask.
                         Please, oh please,
                       Oh, someone please just
                        Get this fire off of my back.

A tall glass of oxygen,
a taller glass of gas.
The flames they will consume me;
I'll be reduced to ash.
If you can't see the metaphor, you're a moron.
© 2012 - 2024 iChrno
Comments25
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ListofApologies's avatar
:star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Vision: Well, I see the metaphor you hinted and the situation. It illustrates a scene, but it's very weak and forgettable. I don't feel inspired at all by this poem. Your format is also a little bit inconsistent. Try to keep a steady rhythm that flows and not random bursts of lines whenever you need them.

Originality: This "burning" metaphor is extremely overused, so I'm not sure what else to say here. I appreciated the glasses of elements that you added in; you don't see that often. But everything else is just too predictable.

Technique: "How bizarre, to feel." Already, in the first few lines, there's a grammar mistake. I don't know why the comma is there. "The flames they will consume me;" There it is again. Work on how/where to place commas. The format was a bit confusing and the angle you write at isn't particularly attractive. Too much tell, no show.

Impact: The concept of pain and burning is a perhaps overused concept, but it can be intriguing if used correctly. This poem did not lead me to thinking. It bored me and didn't inspire me much.
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I apologize for any typos in this critique. Your poem should be submitted to the correct folder in <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w…" alt=":iconwriters--club:" title="Writers--club"/>.